Dis + FUN + Chanel

I like to think I'm relatively normal.

I dreamt about the Jonas brothers last night.

Doesn't everyone?

In my dream I knew all their names was a huge fan.

In real life I actually don't know any of their names and I've never heard any of their songs.

In my dream they came over to my house and I read to them "Alexander and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day"

They loved it.

Who doesn't love that book?

So I've decided that this dream could happen to anyone and I'm actually very normal.

My family on the other hand is not quite so normal.

Take my nephews for example.

This one wears a leash.

And this one is either praying, or gangsta.

Then I found this family picture and I knew without a doubt that I am the most normal of the bunch.

If you click on the image it will enlarge and you can read everyone's thoughts.

I know their thoughts because I have ESP.

See? I'M the normal one.

Is there a balloon stuck to my head?

Meet Linda,

She's my cashier every time I shop at Sam's Club.

(I go almost daily to get my diet coke fix)

She always looks like this and has a huge smile on her face.

She buys Aqua net in bulk. (Gets an employee discount I imagine)



I'm thinking of bringing her picture to my hairdresser on Saturday.
I could use a little change.
What do you think? Should I just go for it?

I'm on the bandwagon now.

I went to this preparedness thing with my sisters this past Saturday where they taught us how to cook with wheat and how to prepare a will/living trust or something like that.

That part was actually a snooze fest, but I did get a little tingling in my belly when coupon lady stood up and told us all how she clips coupons and saves millions in her grocery bill every year.

GET OUT! I can save money and bring world peace at the same time.

I did some research on Money Saving Mom and A Full Cup and yesterday I was ready to try it out.

I was so excited at the idea of saving so much money that I didn't even get annoyed at the grungy lady who made me wait for her while she illegally jaywalked in front of my car. (I usually drive at jaywalkers full speed honking my horn) I did judge her slightly because of her way baggy pants hanging half-way down her derriere, but I judged her with a smile on my face. Nothing could kill my mood.

I started with Target since they had Kashi cereal bars on sale for $2.75 and I had a $2 off coupon. They also had a coupon for yogurt that I wanted to try out.

I actually purchased my items, took them out to the car and went back in and checked out again with a different cashier.

Here's the evidence.

Summary - Target

Money spent: $5.82

Money saved: $9.08

Then I went to CVS. I'd heard about the steals to be had a CVS, but I've been a little intimidated before so I've never attempted it. Let me just say that CVS is not for the casual coupon user. You must go hard, or go home. It takes strategic planning, time, scanning the ads numerous times, and a trusty calculator.

Nevertheless, I walked away with this.

And, after some brilliant coupon usage, combined with the store's extra bucks and some killer deals here's what it cost me.

Summary - CVS

Money spent: $7.38

Money Saved: $60.42

Seriously, this store is practically giving this stuff away. Who says the economy is in a recession?

I'm ready for my Nobel Prize in saving money now.

Who's the favorite now?

My sisters and I have always been pretty competitive, especially when it comes down to being Mom and Dad's favorite daughter. Most people erroneously assume that as the youngest child, I would automatically be considered the favorite and consequently the most spoiled, but that's just not true.

My oldest sister Eliza has always been the favorite.

(My parents vehemently deny this... I've always wanted to use vehemently in a sentence)

Take into consideration this conversation that happened in the car when I was around 15 and I still remember VERBATIM.

Mom: Where would you girls like to go eat?

Me: Ooo, lets go to Hardees.

silence

Me: I want to go to Hardees.

silence

Mom: Eliza?

silence

Me: I like Hardees.

Eliza: I don't care.

Me: Can we go to Hardees?

Mom: Didn't you want to try Wendy's Eliza?

Eliza: Yeah that's fine.

We went to Wendy's.

Eliza was also the first to procreate so she automatically gets bonus points for that. She has 4 kids now and I'm pretty sure she gets extra points for each child.

I'm not jealous or anything, I've pretty much accepted my lot in life.

No hard feelings at all.

Dear Eliza,

Do you like my new amber earrings Mom gave me for Christmas? (I already checked them for Mosquito and Dinosaur DNA)

What was that? She didn't get you any earrings?

Oh, um, well....that's awkward.

Nice cookbook.

Love,

Sara

What's in your wallet?

Say hello to my purse.

Isn't she lovely?




She doesn't look huge, but she sure can pack a lot in her.





Lately I've felt that my purse has gotten really heavy.



(It could be the atrophy of my arm muscles that I never rarely use.)



I decided to take inventory of all the inhabitants of my beautiful arm accessory and find out what exactly is weighing me down.

Here are the contents.



Itemized list. I'm putting an asterisk by all things I deem a necessity.
*Checkbook
Tithing Slips
*Kleenex
2 slips of paper listing the bills I need to pay
*Wallet
*Cell Phone
Random key chain given to me for buying ice cream during a grand opening
Stick of gum wrapper
2008 Calendar
*Bag of liquids including 5 different lip glosses and 3 different lotions (I keep it in the bag to make it more convenient while traveling)
*2 emery boards
*Sunglasses
*Stamps
*2 packs of gum (one is the kind I share, and the other is just for me)
*2 Tide to go pens (Must have 2 - what if one goes dry?)
A quarter - That belongs in my wallet. Slippery little guy must have snuck out.
*2 bobby pins
*1 key for the church building
*Set of all other keys
*tape measure (It's come in handy a few times, that has to stay)
phone charger my mom left at my house and I've been trying to give back
2 needle nosed pliers I forgot to take out after a YW activity. (No they were not used to inflict pain on the YW, but maybe in the future)
*1 empty pill container (I've been meaning to re-fill that baby for months)
*1 fortune from a cookie ("Others take notice of your radiance. Share your happiness." - What the hey, I'll keep it)
*Camera (I must be able to take blog pictures at all times)
book mark (not sure where that came from)
*6 peppermint candies
1 swatch of wedding fabric (Totally forgot that was in there)
*10 pens (I probably don't need all 10, but...I can't bear to part with any)
18 old receipts (The oldest one dating 2/29/08)



Please tell me I'm not the only one carrying around a year old receipt! Plus, those needle nosed pliers could always come in handy.... What if it's on a bingo game at a baby shower.

I'm clueless as to how it's gotten so heavy. Maybe clearing out those receipts will help.

Living a cursed life.

When I was living in Spain, I had the fortunate experience of getting my palm read by a gypsy while walking down the street.

(The first of 3 gypsies who have read my palm on 3 different continents - what can I say? My palms attract gypsies wherever I go)

She lured me in with the scent of some mystic herb (probably cilantro, I love that stuff) and told me it was free.

That's right GRATIS, I didn't have to pay anything for my little sprig of herb. Complements of herself and her heart of gold. No strings attached, absolutely no catch.

I never pass up anything free. Especially not cilantro, the price on that stuff is ridiculous.


As I reached my greedy hand up to accept this marvelous gift from a stranger, her reaction was faster than a rattlesnake biting it's prey. She grabbed my wrist with lightning speed and, before I could blink, began to read my palm.

Now, getting your palm read can be a somewhat stressful situation. What if she says I'll never get married? What if I don't have much time left to live? What if I'm going to have a great sickness? What if I'm going to spontaneously lose all my hair? The possibilities of what she could tell me are endless. In addition to that, you're trying to remember every word she's saying so that you can find out if she is indeed knowledgeable of the uncertain future events that will come to pass.

She asked my name and where I was from and then told me that I would soon be traveling. (Duh, I just told her I was from the US)

She told me that I would marry a tall Latin. I of course was very excited by that idea since I had a ginormous crush on my Spanish Literature Teacher, even though he smoked. (I didn't judge him, just loved him)

I got really excited inside...

she must really know something!

I starting planning my wedding (he would've stopped smoking by then) and I had to remind myself to pay attention, I was missing my future.

She told me I would live a long healthy life.

She said that I would have children.

She said that I was adventurous.

She told me that I had a lot of love to give.



Then she held out her hand and told me to pay her.

Huh? I don't remember talking about a price. I thought the fortune came with the free cilantro. Kind of a package deal thing.
Like buy one get one free, only without the buying.

So I told her no.

Pay me Sara
Chills ran down my spine (How does she know my name? Oh yeah, first question she asked)

If looks could kill...

NO

You must pay me your fortune.

But I didn't ask you to give me my fortune.

PAY ME YOUR FORTUNE OR MAY YOUR HEAD GET CUT OFF!

Yikes!
I did what anyone would do who was just cursed with decapitation.

I ran away without another word.

Now, years later, I find her fortune is true.
I have traveled
I am adventurous
I'm not sure I have a lot of love, but if she says so...
I did marry a Latin - however, the 28 pairs of flats I own would stand as evidence that he is not tall. Only 1 inch taller than me in fact (He claims 1 1/2 inches, but it's probably his hair)

What about the curse? Will that also come true? Will I someday suffer from a cut off head? There goes the long life she promised me.

I find myself in fear of low doorways, sharp blades, the word guillotine, and snakes (not sure it that's relevent, but I hate them anyway).

Is my fear unreasonable?

PS. Check out April Showers for some free giveaways. Remember how I love free stuff? She's not giving away cilantro, but it's almost as good!

Got sleep?

At the risk of sounding repetitive I felt the need to once again blog about my sleeping habits.

You see, the other night, as I was putting my honey to bed I realized that although the age may be different, putting him to bed is very similar to putting a baby to bed.

You know how when you rock a baby to sleep and then go to put him down, there's that moment of alarm when the baby almost wakes up so you put your hand on his chest to calm him down and make him think that you haven't just abandoned him... (That was a really long sentence and I'm not quite sure how to punctuate. I think it was a question. )

I've come to the conclusion that it's the same with my honey.

He likes to sleep like this.

Come on!

Does she even look the least bit comfortable? He looks like he's chaining her to the ground. I don't know anyone who can sleep with someone "nose-breathing" directly into their ear.

I'd really like to sleep like this.

Not that I don't like him or anything, I just like my space.

In order to prevent the "nose-breathing" I mentioned earlier, I usually start the night like this.

This is just how I "Put him to sleep" But I can't sleep like this.

You'll notice her ear is directly over his heart. A heartbeat is just as annoying as breathing in my ear.

Once his breathing has slowed slightly and he's almost to dreamland, I gently wiggle out of that position and assume something more like this.

The foot thing is like a security blanket. If it's not there, he'll wake up (just like babies do - only not crying) and inevitably,

this will happen...

No one really likes that right?

Why Capricorns will some day rule the world.

Ok, so actually the title is just to grab your attention and I don't talk about that at all. Sorry to be misleading, but since you're already here... by all means, read on.

I haven't been posting or commenting for a while for two reasons.
1 - I've been sick. Not sick of blogging, oh gosh no, that would never happen. I mean, the real, yucky, only wanna lay in bed watching romantic comedies kind of sick.

My other reason.

2 - It was my birthday. And on my birthday I get to do whatever I want. I usually do anything I want, but on my birthday I get to say "it's my birthday" as an excuse to everything.
Some people claim they don't like their birthdays, but I don't buy it for one second. Who wouldn't like their birthday. If you leave me a comment and say that you truly don't like your birthday because it shows you're getting older I'll be forced to believe you're lying to me and will never trust you again. With that said I compiled a list of why birthdays are great.

Why I love my birthday:
1. Calories don't count the entire week before and after. Come to think of it, I never count them anyway so I guess it's not any different.
2. People give me stuff. It doesn't matter who or what, but it's something I didn't pay for so I love it!
3. I feel slightly like Leonardo Dicaprio and shout "I'm the queen of the world" in the shower. That's how I get started in the birthday mood.
4. Being older just means I'm one year closer to being a onry old lady and can yell at people with it being culturally acceptable.
5. I look good no matter what I'm wearing. It's true, I even tried to look ugly once and I just couldn't, it's a gift!
6. People aren't allowed to think or say bad things about me.
7. I can cut off people in traffic.
8. I can wink at strangers and it has no consequence.
9. People say, "happy birthday" (usually after I've reminded them the importance of the day, but it still counts)

That's enough I think. Who says lists always have to have 10? Probably Letterman, but only because his lists aren't as fulfilling as mine. Quality not quanity people!

With that being said, I can safely say, I'm back.
Did I miss anything?

Day Off

I'm taking today off.
Here's why.

Happy Friday and have a good weekend!

Gettin' Crabby Year after Year

I now officially have a birthday tradition. It's something we did last year and we followed it up again last night, so it's become a tradition. It takes only repeating an action twice to be considered a tradition in my mind.

It's called Hush Puppy

For anyone not living in Sin City those words may mean nothing other than maybe some comfy shoes(I feel so bad for you), but for you locals those 2 words mean only one miraculous thing: All you can eat crab legs on Monday nights.

Did you hear that?

All you can eat crab legs on Monday nights.

(For the hard of hearing)

This isn't just a restaurant. It's not a simple dinner.

This is a dining experience!

It begins with the Russian hostess, who we like to call Lycra Lady.

Lycra Lady likes to dress in none other than... LYCRA! (We know that to be true since my mom was brave enough to pat her on the shoulder as we walked past) I thought that she wore it special for my birthday last year, but this year brought an equally pleasing treat for the eyes and it really does make the experience so much more complete.

I'm not sure how many she has, but I'm pretty sure she must get these outfits from the Zumanity costume designers because I'm am clueless as to where else they would sell one piece leotard/body suits and still make them so stylish.

See.

If anyone knows where I can find one of these, please let me know. I must begin to wear them immediately.

The only problem with these suits is the lack of pockets (obviously). Lycra Lady solved this problem by placing her cell phone where any of the rest of us would...

in her cleavage!!!

This made our wait even more enjoyable as her chest would light up like a beacon occasionally making it that much easier to find her among the many Lycra laden guests.

The next part of the experience is actually a test of bravery and resistance.

You see, they bring out some all you can eat hush puppies to start and then they invite you to take a plate and gander through the all you can eat salad bar - but that's for the weak and inexperienced. Us regulars know, that these are just decoys to try to fill your stomach before the juicy crustaceans arrive.

We were not even tempted.

(Well maybe like 2, but that's it, and no salad bar. This is no time to be health conscience.)

Here we are waiting for those delectible little creatures.

Me and my father figure.

And the moment we've been waiting for.

(We refilled this around 5 times... I feel the gout setting in)

Heaven on earth.

(Or in the sea, or whatever)

We were again graced this year by the same waitress. She also is quite stylish. Her hair style should be on Shear Genius. The bow is beautiful! Like a cherry on a big puffy bouffant (Seriously, same bow as last year, I swear!).

Last year she was very crabby (and not in the yummy way). She would actually glare at us when we asked for more crab (this is all you can eat people!)

This year we found her oh so much more pleasant which I accredit to some much needed anger management training.

Doesn't she just look friendly?

And this is what the dining experience ends with.

You're all invited for next year!

PS. If you don't like seafood, I am so so sorry for you. I have no words. I don't know how you live.

Zzzzzzz, Brrrrrrr, Zzzzzzz

I absolutely have to sleep with a fan on. It doesn't matter if it's summer or winter, I must have it on. Maybe it's the white noise, maybe it's having air circulating... I'm not sure, but I have to have the fan going even if it's on low.

My honey doesn't always understand this. He seems to think that if you're hot, you just don't sleep under the covers and if you're cold - you turn off the fan.

(Oh, the many things I have yet to teach him!)

When he installed the ceiling fan, he put the remote right by my side of the bed so that I would have complete control of the fan. What a dream! It's worked beautifully!

Except last night I got cold. Sometime in the middle of the night I woke up enough to realize that the comforter had made it's way to the floor and I only had a thin sheet protecting me from the fan blowing a few feet above my head. Despite the fact that the remote controlling the fan was but an arm's length from me I tried to wake up my honey.

"I'm cold"

His answer to this was to put his arm and leg around me and breathe in my ear. Ooooo, the leg thing was so not a good idea since my bladder was just full enough to really make it uncomfortable - but not full enough to actually get up and go to the bathroom.

So I pushed him off and told him I needed the comforter from the floor. (The one that I most likely kicked off the bed since I move around in my sleep more than him.)

(Snoring)

"Honey"

(No response)

"Can you get the blanket?"

(Nada)

"Honey?"

(Snoring)

So I poked him.

And by poked, I mean I shoved him really hard.

What else can a girl do?

That got his attention as he sat up in one of those frightened, what-the-heck-just-happened moments.

"What's wrong!?"

"I'm cold, can you get the blanket from the floor?"

"Why don't you turn off the fan?"

"Cuz, I just need the blanket. Please honey?"

I did the whiny voice for that "Please honey". I find it way more effective.

And it worked like a charm since he got up to get the blanket.

Ahhhh, sleep glorious sleep.

Redeeming Myself

Since I publicly announced that I lied to my honey, and consequently got my name put on the temple prayer roll (I will probably never truly achieve forgiveness), I came to the conclusion that I need to redeem myself.
But speaking for just one second of my addiction I admitted to in the previous post and the subsequent lie it forced me to tell, I probably got what I deserved.

My honey decided that he is some sort of witch doctor and rather than prescribing me tummy-ache pink minty medicine; he was going to cure me (of my fake illness) by giving me a homemade cure his mom used to feed him when he was sick.

Ahem, do NOT try this at home.

A tablespoon of olive oil, with garlic.

Have you ever digested straight oil?

Me neither, cuz I just couldn't get that down.

Like I said, punishment deserved and accepted.

Moving on to my redemption. I actually am a really good person for those that don't know me. Those that do know me already know this of course and, although my angel wings got slightly damaged during Tuesday's little stint, I would like to assure everyone that they are indeed still intact.
My good qualities.
(not a conclusive list)
1. I always come to a complete stop at stop signs when there are other cars or a police cruiser anywhere in the vacinity.
2. I have never had a parking ticket.
3. I babysit my sister's kids whenever they ask.
4. I worry about the future of America, I don't do anything about it, but I still worry.
5. I only drive faster toward a j-walker if they are young and cocky, I definately yield and honk at older j-walkers.
6. I was a vegitarian for several years. Thinking of all the animal's lives I spared makes me puff up in pride.
7. I love my grandma.

8. I go to the temple, as long as it doesn't interfere with my TV show.
9. I've ironed my honey's shirts at least twice since I've known him. (I'm waiting for my wife of the year award any day now)
10. I find blogging more important than the conference call I'm currently sitting in. (I have no clue what they're talking about, but I find the occasional "hmmm", and "I think that could work" very effective)

I could go on, but I think I've proved my point that I'm really not as horrible as it may seem sometimes.
Feel free to applaud.

A cry for help!

I have a problem. An addiction really.



My sister says it's the reason I'll most likely go to

"H - E - double hockey sticks"

(her words, not mine - you're not allowed to change a quote)



It's showing it's ugly head again tonight and I'm really trying to fight it, but even as I'm writing this I know it's a lost cause and I just won't be able to stop myself.



It makes me do bad things.



Like forget about the people I care about.



Stop communicating with everyone. (except calls to my sister)



Ignore my honey.



Stare fixated at a large box in my living room.



Eat large amounts of ice cream.



I know I need help, but I'm not sure where to start.

I know I can't start tonight. Because IT starts tonight.



My addiction


The reason I'm going to H-E-double hockey sticks is not that I watch this show.

Nope, I know that many people eat, sleep, breath, and live to watch this show just like me.

The reason I will be darned forever is that tonight is temple night with my honey and...

(I can't believe I'm about to say this on the Internet and my mom has my blog address...)

I'm going to call in sick.

Or however that works with a husband.
Oh the shame.

Married only 7 months and the lies have started.
I can't just tell him that I don't want to go, that would make me a bad person. (In his eyes, however I think I may be a worse person for faking a tummy ache.)


Please stop judging me.


I told you it's an addiction. An actual chemical imbalance in my brain that I physically have no control over.


I'll take any medications out there that can help me with my problem, but not tonight. Maybe starting next season.

I have no excuse

* I woke up late.



* By that I mean, that instead of the usual 15 mins I allot myself for a shower, getting dressed, hair and make-up - I only had 7 mins to do all of the above.



* My feet were cold and I haven't put away my laundry yet from Saturday's big "Wash Day" So I had to take what I could find.



* Then I couldn't find the shoes I wanted.

* I got dressed in full light, HOWEVER, I was half asleep, so it's almost the same as getting dressed in the dark.

* I really didn't want this to happen again.

All of the above are valid reasons, but not an excuse, why my feet currently look like this. (I realize that the only good excuse would be if I had donated every last fashionable article of clothing I own to a homeless shelter. Alas, that is not the case)

You may want to shield your eyes.

I think I'll hide behind my desk until it's closing time, although I debated with myself as to whether or not I could dash to the bathroom and not been seen.

I don't think I'll risk it.