Beans, and well... unmentionables

I love chips and salsa.


I love chips, salsa, and re fried beans.


I love restaurants that serve these items before the meal starts in order to whet the pallet.


I probably love all this too much.


Yesterday, as I was out to lunch with (ahem) my boss, the VP of Finance, and the director of finance - I made a few critical mistakes as it relates to eating chips and salsa.


Well, actually the beans.


Mistake #1 - I went to the bathroom before we sat down. Most might say that you should go before, so you can wash your hands before eating. No, this was my first mistake. (You'll find out why this was a mistake in a second. )


Mistake #2 - I sat against the wall with no easy access to get up.


Mistake #3 - I got greedy with the chips and beans.


Mistake #4 - THE BIG WHAMMY... As I was shoveling a loaded up chip into my hungry mouth, the entire load fell off my chip. I'm happy to report that the actual chip did make it into my mouth. Score!



I quickly glanced down at my white shirt fearing for the worst and breathed a sigh of relief when I did not see a giant blob of beans splattered all over my front.


So I glanced lower at the napkin I had already (almost 6th sense like) placed on my lap.


Not there either.

Where the heck did it go?

I tried inconspicously to wipe my chin in the off chance that it had landed there.

Nada.

I suddenly get a oozy, wet sensation and glance down into my clea**** (in order to keep this blog PG rated and because my mom reads this, I'll just say it rhymes with bleavage)

Yep, sure enough. I got a nice glob of beans slowly making their way down the mountains.

I looked up and noticed the VP of finance, who is somewhat of a jerk anyway (the better word is found in the Bible and is another name for a donkey), looking at me with an expression I just can't read.

I have no clue if he's noticed the glob that is coming very close to staining my white shirt from the inside.

I couldn't go to the bathroom because I already went.

I couldn't turn and casually try to tie my slip on shoes or reach for something on the floor because I was against the wall.

So I grabbed my menu and held it at an awkward angle in front of my shirt as if I was trying to read it through some sort of sneeky osmosis in the bra.

Yeah, that didn't really work.

Still, Mr. VP is looking at me funny and I'm beyond caring now. I just casually angle the menu under my chin and reach my hand down to scoop it all out.

Uh-huh, nice and elegant like.

I'm sure I impressed.