Queen Martha

As I was perusing the dollar tree store on my lunch hour today, I glanced quickly at the book bin which is usually filled with cheap editions of The Bible and I recognized a familiar face.

Not my Martha! What was she doing in the dollar store. Someone of her caliber, her class, and her creativity should be reserved for such elegant shopping experiences as Kmart and Macy's. My hand was magnetically drawn to that face as familiar as my own and I quickly snatched up the closest copy. As I was thinking about how this book may have the potential to change my life and increase my homemaking abilities with the use of vanilla beans and tissue paper, I noticed the tag line and my hopes and dreams were dashed into little pieces.

10 Essentials of Achieving Success as you Start, Grow, or Manage a Business

This wasn't a crafty book at all. Um, business... Pah-LEESE, Martha, stick to what you're best at. Remember how you were incarcerated? For your business deals?? And illegal trade deals??? I threw the book back in disgust, no wonder this one ended up in the dollar store bin.

Then I started thinking... 10 things huh? And I made up my own list for her. I didn't take the time to see what she had actually written about, but here is my list of what Martha most likely put in this not-so-much-a-best-seller book.

1. Avoid getting caught doing illegal business trades, espionage, murder, and washing a colored shirt in a load of whites. All of these are just dirty acts that will be discovered eventually. Especially if it was a red shirt. Faded pink socks are just not a good thing.

2. Name everything after yourself. Creating a brand from a name is the most successful way to increase revenue and maximize ROIC. Especially if you have a famous name like Martha Stewart (sorry, that one's taken) or Walt Disney. I bet if John Pemberton had taken that advice when he invented Coca-cola, we'd all be drinking diet-perbertons by now. That rolls off the tongue so nicely... humph, his loss

3. Don't throw anything away. Unless of course they are incriminating documents that could be discovered by a court-ordered search of your files and computer. Be sure to throw those ones away, however I have excellent origami ideas to recycle the paper with.

4. Always pretend you can rap (that's rap, not wrap) when making guest appearances at award shows. My stock when up 2.3 points after that event. Now that's the dil'-y- o!

5. Conduct all business meetings at a formal garden party. You'll find that the ambiance of fresh vegetation is most soothing to the senses and allows positive energy and ideas to flow. Don't forget to match your shoes to the napkin rings. That's critical if you want your partners to take you seriously. Now THAT is a "Good Thing".

6. Bring fresh muffins to the office daily. Keep in mind to use fresh berries you've grown in your garden and if you want truly rich flavored vanilla, you will have to soak the vanilla bean and vodka for months before hand. Imitation vanilla flavoring is an abomination!

7. Recycling staples can have a positive effect on the environment, not to mention can be used as a trendy paperweight when enough have been collected and glued together with lead-based glue. Elmer's just won't work with this project. Think of the money you're saving by re-using office supplies. That kind of stuff can add up!

8. Talk about your mom a lot. It makes you seem less criminal-like and more relatable to everyone since we all have moms. Plus it helps if your mom is super-human, like mine was.

9. Gift-wrap important memos and phone messages. You want your employees and clients to know you are important and loved. If the gift wrap is home made and all natural it makes it all that much more special. Try weaving together strips of palm leaves. Everyone is "going green" now days and this can be your way of showing others that you are hip to current trends.

10. Always have a billionaire, live-in partner/romantic companion if those first 9 steps don't help. You don't have to marry them, but it's nice to have someone else pay for dinner once and a while.

She is so smart that Martha! I get warm fuzzys just thinking about my staple ball paperweight I've already started to make.