America's next Top Psycho?

When I was younger I went through several different phases of trying to change my myself. In 8th grade I wanted to change my handwriting and I began writing in all caps, but I had to stop because my English teacher didn't like it. Then for a while when I was in 11th grade I started writing my 'A's different (like how they show up when typing, but people don't actually write that way). Anyway, I was thinking about those various "me" make-overs that I've done in the past and I've decided that I need another one. This time, I must make a change to my face. Not like plastic surgery or anything - although my nose would be the first to go. No I mean the actual way I look to people: my expression - it's got to go. There have been several instances that have lead up to this conclusion and I'll let the rest of you decide the best way to go about making this change.

Exhibit A. I went into a gas station for my receipt because I bought a car wash and the dumb receipt printer wasn't working at the pump. I told the clerk I needed a receipt and he looks at me and says, "You look like you're having a bad day." Actually no, I wasn't. Do I really look that bad? It was a perfectly normal day. I just needed my receipt. What do you say to that. So I lied, "Yeah, I'm just a little tired." Now give me my receipt stranger and stop talking to me.

Exhibit B. I went to a different gas station, I know what you're thinking "Pay at the pump already Sara!", I do, but I just really needed some diet coke. So I went inside and my efforts were wasted anyway because they only had Pepsi. Ugh, as if! But I found some Gatorade to bring to my honey while he was working. I walk up to the counter and the lady looks at me and says, "Are you OK?" Yeah, actually I am, thanks for checking. I found myself once again stumbling to find an appropriate lie. Seriously, what does my face look like? "Uh, yeah, my dog just died so I'm a little sad" Give me my receipt stranger.

Exhibit C. I walked into the president of the company's office to drop off some papers and he looks at me and says "Are you OK? You're all white, you look like you've seen a ghost." Lies weren't coming fast enough so I just replied, "Yea, I'm good. I'll keep my eye out for any ghosts though". Come on people, do I look that bad?

I got back to my office and took out my camera. I wanted to see what THEY were seeing so I didn't smile and did my best everyday, relaxed expression.
Here she is:





No! Seriously, that can't be my everyday normal face. I look like my dog really did just die. So I tried again.


Are you kidding me. This is what I look like? So what if I smiled all the time?


Yeah, right! Like I'm going to be sitting at my desk, going through reports like this. How about a half smile?


Ok, that one doesn't work, it looks like I've swallowed my upper lip. Try again.


That's better. If you count looking like a stoned alcoholic good. Are eyes supposed to look that droopy? So why not try "Smiling with my eyes" Like my good friend Tyra always says.


YIKES! try again.


Yowza! I'm either plotting revenge against some unsuspecting innocent person or I've just swallowed a chicken whole and it's trying to get back out through my eye sockets. This modeling stuff really is hard, I have a whole new respect for all those size -2 high fashion drug addicts, oops I mean models.



What am I supposed to do? I've only got so much to work with here. Any suggestions on how to keep myself looking like the crypt keeper?



PS. I just realized as I was looking at those pictures that I completely forgot to put on make-up today. I wasn't in a rush, I'm not making a statement, just flat out forgot. Maybe that's why I look like I've seen a ghost.